Debate..or debacle?

Everyone’s got an opinion and their all welcome to it. I've been privy to thousands of off-hand comments, online jabs and sarcastic remarks regarding my musical preferences for years now. It seems the more vocal I become about my musical choices the more vocal others have become too - both in agreement and in opposition. 

Firstly, I don't think its news to anyone I'm a huge fan of electronic music and am actively involved in 'the scene' (however, or whichever way you want to describe it). I'm a festival fanatic, an avid online supporter of musical programs, podcasts, twitter feeds and their supporting forums; I'm a Mixmag subscriber, a regular show attendee and whenever possible I even try and support my favourite producers with cash (call me old fashioned but buying Cycles 4 last week gave me a familiar feeling of satisfaction...the same one I'd get in middle school after I'd boughten my favorite bands latest CD). I get my kicks writing about music, reading about music and as I will now shamefully admit, showing off my musical knowledge whenever I can. 

Electronic music, both as a genre and a topic, seems to illicit an emotional response from just about everyone these days and it’s not hard to see why. Where there's smoke there's fire, and the proverbial turntables are huffing plumes of grey smoke faster than ever. I'm currently invited to 12, yes 12 different electronic performances in the next 3 weeks in my hometown alone (let alone performances in neighboring cities and events in the near future). I turn on my television and TSN's new commercial previews low-grade dubstep, I go to work and am inundated with old Deadmau5 tunes from the aged ipod's of our kitchen employees and turning the radio on only ups the anti, and in turn, the BPM. It's fairly obvious why we’re talking about it. It's everywhere.

Mixmag's feature last weekend 'The Great EDM Debate' struck a chord with me and for a number of different reasons. At a basic level, I think it’s a well written and heartfelt article on a subject I can only imagine is close to the author, Tommie Sunshine’s heart. I think it would do everyone - those both on the fringes of the EDM community and those within the culture itself - a lot of good to read it.

What I believe Sunshine to be saying - a point to which I am in full agreement with - is this: shitty music, shitty music makers and shitty music culture have always existed. It's existed in every genre and every style of music since the first-ever Neanderthal banged a small rock on a big rock and called it a tune. All Sunshine is saying is listen, why all the disgust for something that's happened and has been happening for years now?

The battle between young and old is a long standing archetype, one that's as familiar as good vs. evil and light vs. dark. The rock-n-roller's fought their parents’ generation, the grunge rockers and anarchists resisted everything  that wasn't their own, and now, aged electronic music producers are engaged in a heated battle with the EDM money machines of the NOW, and we act like it’s a battle that hasn't been fought before. 

The feeling endured by Simons of the Chemical Brothers (whose comment regarding the degradation of intellectual dance music, spurned the opening statement of Sunshine's article and set fire to an already smoldering debate) are well founded and neither historically or genre-specifically unique. Sunshine acknowledges that in today’s day and age, the balance between popularity and quality is one that's being found less and less. TV shows like the X Factor – a program which hunts for ratings under the guise of hunting for talent - and celebrity disasters who audaciously call themselves DJs, have made the culture and very business of electronic music a mockery to many. There’s simply no denying the fact that there are those who have and will almost assuredly continue to exploit EDM for everything its worth. 

What Sunshine so brilliant points out however is, so what? There’s bad, uncreative, unintelligent music out there, of that there is no question. Idiots and knob turners are masquerading as music producers and lately, every joe blow with a macbook is looking to ‘cash in’ on a dismal 15 minute time slot somewhere, in the hopes their fame and fortune lie right around the corner.

Half the EDM I’ve heard lately starts with the same build-up, filter, kick and bass drop. It’s become harder and harder to differentiate one song from the next. It's the tunes like this that give the nay-saying comments like "well, it all sounds the same to me" credibility. Their 100% right.

But who looks stupider here in this so-called “EDM Debate?” Is it the knob-turning, Skrillex CD-buying adolescents - the kids who really, are just trying to grip something tangible amidst the overwhelming whirlwind that is EDM? Or is it the aged and educated elders of our dance music community - the ones who have had the privilege of experiencing this particular brand of music in a less exploited, sensationalized environment and yet continue to whine? Who really looks silly here – the kids that don’t know any better, or the adults that are too self-important to help cultivate and support the good music that IS out there?

On one side stands the old culture, our "parental EDM generation" and our 90's clubbers...they all say what’s happened to their music is vile, it’s disgusting and worst of all, its unimaginative. On the other side stands our youth (of which myself is included) who are burning with passion for the music and the shows, and every lived outloud and hidden inside feeling that's been experienced thanks to this particular brand of music. 

The playing field stands divided and all Sunshine is saying is these feelings aren't new. The older generation has always fought the new generation, and the new generation has always carried with it an intensity and fervor that makes them an almost unstoppable force. What does matter is where we go from here.

Shitty producers and music makers, money moguls, radio stars, 'level' copycats, Swedish triplets and recycled computer sounds continue to run amok. But as Sunshine so eloquently put, “EDM is simply three letters that can mean whatever you want them to…the world is full of chaos and our time here is too short to warrant such banter.”

Personally, I try and spend most of my time sharing creative music and supporting the creative talent I do find, when I find it. It’s out there. 2012 was a great year for our music and 2013 will see things happen for EDM that I think even the biggest optimists aren’t fully prepared for.

It’s a sad truth that the new members of our community are growing up lacking the dance music fundamentals, like a copy of “Homework” or the Chemical Brothers’ ‘Come with Us’ on their iPods. But there is creative genius around us and perhaps what I understand less about this ‘great debate’, other than the fact it’s a timelessly redundant and circular argument, is the fact that if our forefather DJ’s and producers loved the music as much as they say they do, then why can’t they see its growth in popularity as the beautiful thing that it is? There’s bad EDM, but there’s also bad country, theirs terrible pop and there’s recycled rock music too. Dance music isn’t the only genre that has to deal with exploitation and crappy product.

The growth of dance music is not a bad thing. Maybe, instead of squabbling amongst themselves like children, the talents of our beloved music could get together and encourage the creative that DOES exists. Maybe, if they could realise the passion within themselves for dance music is the same, all-be-it uninformed passion in the hearts of our youth, the words ‘great debate’ would be transformed into ‘great reform.’



For those curious, heres a link to the article...

http://www.mixmag.net/words/features/the-great-edm-debate

goodbye 2012, hello 2013

I’ve been working through the piles of music I’ve been hoarding over this past December and even as January continues to roll on - with or without us - I keep finding more treasure, waiting for an attentive ear. MY attentive ear.

December was, as per usual, all about the end-of-the-year, greatest-of episodes. They were all over After Hours FM, DI Radio, they were in podcasts, they were broadcast live from New Year’s venues (Armin’s set is something else, FYI) – it’s safe to say that every DJ and their dog has their own podcast or radio show these days. So, as somewhat of an obligation to their audience of listeners, an end-of-the-year mix was at some point done by all.

It’s the best time of year! Tracks you can’t remember from January are suddenly reborn! Tunes you had on repeat in February that had since been forgotten are stirring up familiar emotions as if they’d never left your ears. I remember listening to Mat Zo’s ‘Ring on it’ in such an obsessively repetitive fashion that my phone would automatically start it when my music launched. Now there’s a phone that knows you. ‘In and Out Phase’? That song would make me physically clutch my heart on Saturday nights/early Sunday mornings, while I drove home from work. 

And slowly these songs were replaced with new favorites – Armin’s ‘I’ll Listen’ took over control of my iPod for what I’m sure were months. I discovered a love for Markus Schulz I never knew I had within me. Global DJ Broadcast became a weekly favorite in September, where in the beginning of 2012 I knew of no such thing.

The summer saw my lady Meg’s and I chart across Europe in search of music and adventure. Hardwell took us on an epic musical journey at the Amsterdam Arena for Sensation White. Dark, dirty, and smoky Berlin brought true progressive house to our eagerly awaiting ears. Ibiza introduced me to tech house – as well as reintroducing me to Group Therapy through the beautiful melodies of Above & Beyond.

I had the pleasure of experiencing Group Therapy three times in 2012, each time better than the last. I think a pivotal moment in each of those shows is when they played Andrew Bayer's 'From the Earth'. Edmonton, Calgary, Ibiza - each time I heard its familiar beginning ring out, my heart took a moment.

There was Mat Zo and Porter Robinson - that night was less about the music and me, and more about the music and US. Being able to stand beside your best friends hand-in-hand, in a room full of thousands of other people who are also hand-in-hand with their best friends...another moment I am so thankful 2012 blessed me with. 

There were nights (like Frequency) where I was reminded that its about the music and the emotion that's intertwined - nothing else. Sometimes we allow other things, other motives and other people to get in the way of why we all listen in the first place. I don't care what you listen to or who you are, you listen because music makes you feel something. When we lose sight of what brings us back to the artists, songs and sounds we love, we lose sight of the big picture. 

My understanding and appreciation of trance definitely developed in 2012. I took what was always a passion and fanned the flames - I learned, I researched and I took the music into my own hands. That's a powerful thing actually - I always use to rely on others for new music, for new ideas, for new influence. In 2012 I hunted and gathered and developed my own tastes. I developed a deeper love for Andrew Bayer, Maor Levi, Norin & Rad - the whole Anjuna family. I began to appreciate the reasons for why it is that I've seen Armin 8 times and why I've been buying his State of Trance CD's since 2009.

Songs like 'Epic', 'Bloom', 'Truffle Pig', 'Rebound', 'Without Me' - banger after banger Trance ANTHEM after anthem, too many songs to name or even try and remember. But then that's the great thing - you don't have to remember every magical moment experienced during everything magical song - the DJ'S and producers do it for you. That's what these year end mixes are all about. 

Leon Bolier's EOYC set drained me on both an emotional level as well as a physical one. It was however, draining in the best way. Hearing songs and feeling the matched intensity of those emotions, all the way from the beginning of the year to how I felt just a few weeks ago in a few short hours - the journey left me exhausted.

You're never going to be able to capture every moment you had with every song or every musical discovery you made over the course of a year. Consider it a journey - treasure was found and given - I discovered a love for progressive dubstep with the help of Seven Lions, I made Cycles Radio a regular listen in my weekly peruses and I saw DirtyLoud again, who made me swagger on the ground like a crazy bass junky (that's right, I said it). 

But I've finally listened, reflected, felt and remembered my musical 2012 in all its greatness. I have only bigger and better dreams for 2013 and I hope my appreciation for all kinds of music, sub genres and artists continues to grow. Below I've linked Leon Boliers EOYC set on AH.FM, because for me, from beginning to end it bangs without pause. I've also linked the second last episode of my favorite podcast to date Trance Around the World - its a 2 hour recap of a 9 year show, including tracks like 'Faxing Berlin', 'Breaking Ties', and my forever favorite 'To the Six'. And lastly, I've linked Armins NYE set which as I mentioned above, captures our year of trance pretty spot on.

Happy New Year everyone, whats you're first show going to be? I've signed up for a little Group Therapy ;)

https://soundcloud.com/leonbolier/leon-bolier-end-of-year

https://soundcloud.com/edmtunestv/above-beyond-trance-around-the-world-449-retrospective-special-with-above-beyond

https://soundcloud.com/livesetsat/armin-van-buuren-live-pier-36

in the dark

My restlessness lately is unmatchable. I am a creature of the night.

It’s as if my mind is in an almost zombie-like state all day long, just simply going through the familiar motions. And then when the sun goes down, my mind awakes from its dark slumber, switches into overdrive and chooses to make up for its day time nap by thinking harder and faster than it ever has before. 

I should prefect the word choice “zombie” with the message that I am indeed alive. I am completely engaged and I'm aware of everything around me as my day chug-a-lugs, on and on and on. 

Wake up, brush teeth, drink coffee, find pants. Shake off the sleep that still clings to my body, lingers around my bones like a nice warm dream. My bed – the ultimate temptress – it can simply never have enough time with me… in the morning at least. But at night, when my brains making up for all that lost time, when I’m thinking about things I hadn’t bothered to care about in years or people I haven't seen in what feels like forever – no, at night my bed is the enemy. It wants nothing to do with me. It isn’t nearly as inviting as it had seemed all morning or when I had thought about making my way back to it during my long day’s journey. 

Now it’s just cold and unwelcoming. Now it wants absolutely nothing to do with me and frankly, the feelings mutual. 

Because at night I am my most creative self. As I lay on my back and stare up at my perfectly white, stuccoed ceiling I am full of undiscovered ingenuity. I begin to work on my dreams, the ones I hadn’t bothered to consider while the sun was up. Now I remember all the things that excite me and all the things I want to discover. Before I ever reminisce, I spend most of my time thinking of the places that I need to see, the people I want to meet, the person I think I could be, the person I am becoming. I think about what I need to do first thing tomorrow morning that will bring me one stop closer to my dreams. As soon as I rise and my feet hit the carpet – I will brush my teeth, drink my coffee, I will find my pants and then I will begin working on the things that will put me that much closer to the places and people I want to discover. 

That’s the exciting part of this battle-with-the-night that I find myself ever entrenched in lately. This is where I envision artists, writers, musicians, producers, creators, lovers and visionaries get their beginnings - where they became the luminescent souls they are during the daylight hour. I have a taste of it, for I too am a creature of the night.

But the honeymoon stage soon fades, my barely lit bedroom becomes that much darker and my bed becomes a touch colder than I just remember it feeling. And you know what I do next?

I reminisce. Sometimes of good, sometimes of bad, sometimes of the very, very strange. I remember friends from days where the term friend meant someone who saved you a seat whenever they could, who chose you when being chosen in front of others was important. I remember friends that I played with – simple cut and dry, on the playground fun. I also remember fleeting events that when they occurred, left a brief trace on my memory, never to be heard from again – until now. Now when the sun has gone down and I am no longer a half-eyed, sluggish day-zombie. I am now a night owl. Embarrassing moments, stupid things I’ve said that I wish could be taken back. Missed opportunities, all those chances never taken. I think of these things too. 

Sometimes I think of these moments in a dark way. I blame myself and I make promises that I will have less of these kind of memories for the next night I lie awake, unable to find the calm embrace that sleep provides. I draw a line in the sand – one that divides me from the old me, the person that made outrageous claims to others, the one who allowed herself to fall into so many half-truths from now-untrusted enemies. I say to myself, “…that was you then and this is you now.” You won’t foolishly promise things you can’t deliver and you certainly won’t believe every person that walks through the door, into your life, and extends a friendship. 

And then other times I remember these moments in positivity and light. I think it all depends on the constraints of the day hours – where I spent a majority of my time. If my days are spent in positivity and I’m growing in all the things I desire, than most often at night in the absolute silence, I think of the missed opportunities and the chances not taken in a positive way. It reminds me to step outside myself and believe in unconquered land. I draw the same line in the sand, but this time it’s different. This time it’s not a rigid line of distinction between a present, past and prospective me. I draw it as a line gesturing in a direction of unimaginable growth and happiness. Where the next time I learn to trust and be a better woman, a better soul and a forgiver. A friend and a fighter. A visionary. 

It all depends I suppose, on the constraints I feel in the daylight hours. 

The evening isn’t finished however, and lately the end has become a stage I feel the most familiar with, and most certainly not by choice. This is where I really desire sleep. I am done being creative, I am done remembering and now all I want to do is close my eyes, flip the switch or turn the nob or whatever it is you should be able to do and just go to sleep. I have to be a somewhat functional zombie tomorrow and I need sleep in order to do so. I have to step out of bed, grab my coffee, and put into action all those giant, foreboding steps I’ve spent the last few hours thinking about. 

My bed becomes a rigid board of wood beneath me. It doesn’t mold with my body, it doesn’t make any apologies for my discomfort – I am an intruder and my presence isn’t welcome here. My pillows are trying to suffocate me. They’ve had just about enough of me and my constant fight to get cozy and now, now they’ve resorted to filling in all around me and blocking any available airflow. My blankets are cold and their wrapped around me like a thousand writhing, carnivorous snakes. I thought there were only two blankets on this “bed” and now there feels like a dozen. I’m hot, and then I’m cold again and my mind is racing in a million different directions. 

I am not productive, I am not happy, I am not the luminescent visionary I was an hour again.  

Now I simply beg for sleep. 

I miss people I shouldn’t, people I don’t even think I really miss. I feel age-old emotions, remember deep and lonely songs and I am simply not my own fan. Sleep - where art thou?

I grab a glass of water and sometimes I begin to read whatever is beside my bed that particular evening. Sometimes these things work, sometimes they don’t. But then a strange thing happens. It’s a part I can never seem to quite remember so I can’t speak to what happens in these final stages of my night but suddenly, out of nowhere - I fall asleep. Dreams come and their usually friendly. Sometimes they’re not, but their almost always illusive come morning time. I wake up, I brush my teeth, I drink my cup of coffee. The sun pours through my window, licking its lips at the promise of the day and I join in on the activity. I think of my bed and the battle that ensued the night before and I am sure it won’t be like that again, the next time I lie down.

But lately, it is like this. And every single stage is more intense then the night before.

I really am a creature of the night.

Sometimes I think anything is possible in the dark – wide awake and in the dark.

I'M MAKING FUN OF THE GRAMMY'S

First of all, I’d have to give two shits about the Grammy’s in the first place, to allow any of the obviously glaring atrocities that were made last night to affect my day IN THE SLIGHTEST. But I don’t give two shits, and it doesn't affect my day – and here’s why.

Anyone that doesn't realise already that the Grammy’s -- like any other award promoting, performance recognizing platform -- is a solely politically and financially motivated industry would perhaps allow something like last night’s nominations (and I’m speaking purely in terms of the EDM nods) to cry outrage and god forbid – CARE. For some dim-witted, half-skulled musical novices out there that still look to “Billboard” charts and the number of Grammy’s “artists” have as an indication of where to spend their musical dollars and what to listen to - for these individuals, last night’s EDM nominations might matter. Personally, I’m surprised people in the EDM community even care about this crap.

The funny thing is, sometimes I find being counter-culture is ironically so popular these days that the very essence of going against the common grain is in itself, a popular move. Or maybe I’m just hanging out and conversing with some smart, intelligent people. Either way, the fact remains that if you didn’t know the Grammy’s have absolutely 0 insight into what’s actually happening in dance culture and dance music these days, or in the last decade for that matter – well after last night, now you do.

Although a now well-established genre here in our neck of the woods, dance music wasn't always this popular. Dedicated fans use flock to grungy, after-hours nightclubs in hide-away basements, looking to get their electronica fix any way they could. Just because were turning the radio on for a delicious taste of Avicii’s levels and looking to Aoki to spiderman cakes into the faces of “candy” wearing adolescents, doesn’t mean dance music is suddenly alive. IT’S BEEN ALIVE in the hearts of millions for decades. Daft Punk, the Chemical Brothers, trance legend Sasha and techno lord Carl Cox have been ripping up decks and in some cases ACTUAL vinyl for years. Just because the Grammy’s decided to throw a few head nods (and considerably more head nods in the last few years) towards a few DJ’s doesn’t mean ANYTHING. And to even allow it to dominate conversation or rear an interest in fans just gives credit to a platform that simply doesn’t deserve it.

And don’t even get me started on Al Walser. The guys a legend obviously. (I’ll just let the dancing astronaut tear this one apart).

http://www.dancingastronaut.com/2012/12/who-is-al-walser-grammys-discredit-best-dance-recording-category/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+DancingAstronaut+%28Dancing+Astronaut%29

This is how I envision the 2013 Grammy Awards to go down – Skrillex is going to touch up his shave-job and corn row his trademark ‘do’ for the big night, Avicci, or Tim Berg or whatever is name is has already asked Flo Rida to be his date (who eagerly accepted), and Al Walser is going to cake smash a presenter in the face when he excitedly accepts his award….no….wait….that’s Aoki with the cakes. And Swedish House Mafia? Well, they’re going to drop the “Surprise, this isn’t our final tour, but thanks for selling out all those stadiums and buying us matching mansions in Ibiza – see you all next year! We told you not to worry, child” BOMB the night of.

I’m not bitter, I just think it’s so laughable the topic doesn’t even deserve serious commentary. Like I mentioned above, I just don’t give two shits. All I want to do is get my dance on to my favorite tracks, played by my Grammy-snubbed DJ’s…..because we all know next time I buy a ticket to a show I’m going to ask myself…”wait, has this guy won a Grammy yet?” 

according to me, anyways.

the 5 essentials 

one - an ear for difference. You know if were not careful, and we don't continually appreciate the creative when we hear it, its only a matter of time until they start spoon feeding us the same stuff. Come on, its going to be easy if we don't pay attention and keep our ears perked for unique, NEW, interesting sound...We're going to be jumping around, waving our hands in the air to the same shit every performance or show we go to. Put aside the fact that everything's a band wagon these days with "EDM" - every show goer is just stealing our special little secret right? We mock Guetta for selling out, we beak Tiesto for going house, but aren't we just doing that because its the easy thing to do? There's a ton of other "DJ's" and "producers" out there giving us the same old thing and we just keep soaking it up. Listen for something that's different...follow it down the rabbit hole and who knows what kind of exciting stuff you'll find. 

two - you've got to care. It's simple really, you've got to care about your music. Nothing separates you from the fan beside you if you don't genuinely care about your music in some capacity. It's a simple argument, one that's not even worth bringing up again. EDM, its association with drugs, yadda yadda. We all know it, we all get it, and Madonna and Deadmau5 rehashing it for us doesn't do any of us any good or change the fact that such a stereotype exists. But those who honestly care for what their ears and their hearts love, besides all of that, well that's beyond essential. That's stone cold necessary. 

three - share. I've said it before and I'll say it again; sharing is caring! Share with your friends, your enemy's, whatever. You can't say you hate pickles when you've never taken a bite out of a delicious dill. So many meatballs are strutting their stuff out there, dissing EDM like the "pop-infused club top 40 dance crap" it is...yeah whatever. But you can't blame them because they don't know. So share your finds, your dirty dubstep, your tasty trance, serve it up ready to order - ignorance in this case isn't really that blissful. 

four - listen to Markus Schulz. Okay sorry, I had to, but the guy is so good. I linked below his B2B set with Ferry......it's like your ears melt into your earphones. For the fact alone that GDJB is one of the best podcasts's around, his trance is so dark its just addictive. His sound, his style, totally unique. Another reason, in my opinion why trance is anything but dead, and for anyone that says so, lets talk after you listen to this B2B set. 

http://soundcloud.com/ferry-corsten/ferry-corsten-b2b-markus-schulz-glow-2012?utm_campaign=timeline&utm_content=http%3A%2F%2Fsoundcloud.com%2Fferry-corsten%2Fferry-corsten-b2b-markus-schulz-glow-2012&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=soundcloud

five - confidence. I list this as five, but really it could be the most important point. I can't stand when someone doesn't have a God damn backbone to defend what it is they like and why. BELIEVE in your own tastes. I love trance so much its borderline obsessive. No, it IS obsessive. Without pigeonholing myself into one particular genre, trance is so many things to me, sometimes I can't even find words to explain why it is that I like it. I have confidence in it though, regardless. Like what you wanna like and pardon my french, but fuck the guy who says its no good. If you like it, have a little faith in your own ear.

KM. 

P.S. - the beautiful song I was listening to while I wrote this. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vxQWqw6nac

and then that random woman whispers "Trance Around The World"

I guess the question really is 'why do I love TATW so much'? It doesn't necessarily afford an easy answer. The best I can tell you is at the end of the day - there are only a few things that elicit a genuine, un-thought, un-planned emotional response from us as human beings any more. And for me, Trance Around The World is one of them. 

Our answers are pre-calculated, our friendships are organized, our days made up in planners and timetables. I know where I’ll be every morning, I know who I’ll see every day, I know where I work, who I like, what I’m going to say to those around me. Maybe that’s why I feel like the wings on my feet are slowly breaking free from their tethered shackles, looking for new air to conquer. Because as much as the security and comfort of knowing how you feel is wonderful, NOT knowing and genuinely responding to something is a breath of fresh fucking air.

Meeting someone who steals your attention for a second, unplanned – nothing thought through. Deciding that maybe you will be somewhere different tomorrow, see something new next week, feel something instantly genuine and fresh – well that’s why I love TATW.

Because whenI sit in my bedroom, surrounded by familiar territory in Alberta, or my brand new mountains in B.C., no matter where I am – what I feel when I listen is genuine. It’s brand new, its intensive emotion that’s surprising and exciting and its ME.

Sometimes I close my eyes and I’m reminded of a brand new moment at a long ago show, where a producer, a DJ, where someone took me on a musical journey that was new. Or sometimes I just feel that brand new emotion in my kitchen, sipping coffee and feeling. TATW makes me feel. Trance music makes me feel. It reminds me that although I may have rested my spirits somewhere, that my time to be steady and calm, to learn and to remain patient is important now – it reminds me of those slowly flapping wings below my knees, around my ankles. They’ll be ready to soar soon.

It fills me with unexpected excitement about new love, fresh starts, and adventures to unfold. Sometimes it fills my heart with old loves, dead ends and adventures that lead to personal ruin, if but for a time. BUT at least I feel it. What a shame it would be to stop feeling at all, or at least not to feel anything we hadn't already planned for ourselves. And that is why I love TATW. 

It makes me feel something nothing else can. 

And on that note...

My first link here is going to take you to the wonderful Electronic Oasis's website, where they've cleverly listed the top 10 ID's from TATW 450. There's new Mat Zo + Porter, a new A&B track, even an new Andrew Bayer ID. It's just an easy link for you to cash in on and find the newest stuff you can't ID from a few greats and better-than-great weekend of music. 

http://www.electronicaoasis.com/trance/group-therapy-radio-ten-previews



Secondly, as per my almost prophetic telling of the weekend in question, Mat Zo's tracklist was beautiful...

http://soundcloud.com/edmtunestv/mat-zo-live-trance-around-the-world-450-group-therapy-india-10-11-2012

Also - Andrew Bayer's set. If you don't own It's Artificial, you should. 

http://soundcloud.com/edmtunestv/andrew-bayer-live-trance-around-the-world-450-group-therapy-india-10-11-2012

perhaps we should try this again?

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. What it means to forgive someone - to truly release yourself from any kind of pain or injustice that you've endured. What it actually means to be free. It's been with ease anyone has ever encouraged the art of forgiveness to another. When it’s not your pain or your freedom dangling in the balance, it’s so easy to prompt someone to forgive.

I've been taught my entire life to forgive those who do wrong against me. After all, we're all human right? We all at one point or another, act in selfish disregard of another's feelings, only focusing on the sole pursuit of our own gratification. Who in their life hasn't chosen their own happiness over someone else's? At a very basic level of understanding, we do it every single day. From the simplest acts we perform in our homes, with our friends, around our family - altruism is an often desired, but never fully acquired trait. If I am, at any given point, only acting in my own self-regard, than I have to be able to conceive someone else doing exactly the same thing.

I understand forgiveness. I understand that holding bitterness, envy, grief, even hate...holding onto all of these things only serves to imprison a person. I understand forgiveness. One gains nothing when they continue to hold an injustice in their heart - after someone has betrayed a trust, spoken a lie, offered an unkind word.

I understand that fundamentally, forgiveness is supposed to allow freedom for YOU as the forgiver. It is a tool to set you, the burdened heart, free.

But what if the place where you once stood is so totally shaken, so foundationally corrupted, that what you once believed true now no longer seems so clear? What if the closest people lied, the realest truth’s proved fake, what if love proved not enough? What then?

I use to speak from a place of faith. I had faith in forgiveness and I encouraged it in others. And I guess, from a certain perspective I still believe in it. I don’t doubt its power to free you from another’s “mistake”, that beyond everything else, it allies itself most strongly with the one it’s used by. When the ground beneath you shakes however, forgiving isn't as easy you might imagine. 

You reach out for that strong virtue, the thing you know you’re supposed to do and you just can’t. You try. You get it!…it’s right, and you know eventually you’ll stand on firm ground once again – maybe not the same ground, but solid all the while. You know one day it’ll be a distant memory. Love will be enough again one day. What if however, despite all of this you can’t forgive? 

Are you trapped forever?

Are you forever incapable of letting go?

….or maybe you just keep trying. You keep trying to forgive, if only for you. There seems a fine line right now, right here with my thinking – one that holds between a dark side of mistrust that is dreary, spiteful, beaten and broken. I am none of those things. The other side is bright, spontaneous, honestly ambitious, expansive, sunshine radiates throughout…I am not really any of those things either.

I am walking the fine line of forgiveness. I am trying to forgive others and myself every day in every mistake. Dare I slip and fall and be lost forever to either side of the war, I will continue to tread the line and find forgiveness. It isn't bullshit when I search for positivity, it doesn't make me dumb. Trying to let go doesn't make me stupid. I want more for myself.

What happens when you try and forgive someone who broke you in a deep and dark way, and you just can’t? ...Perhaps you try again.